


Friolero

by merlypops



Series: Beautiful Words - 5SOS Stories [8]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not Famous, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Childhood Memories, Cute Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Hypothermia, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Scared Michael, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, football player calum, malum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 18:02:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2279406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Michael remembers how Calum was a bit like his own personal space heater, except a whole lot softer and more cuddly, and Michael remembers how he smelt good too which was definitely a bonus.'</p><p>
  <b>Michael is freezing and Calum just wants to keep him aflame.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Friolero

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Deja32](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deja32/gifts).



> because I love Deja to the stars <3
> 
> Don't let the summary trick you - there _is_ cuteness and fluff in this but there's SO much angst I was kind of drowning in it...  
>  I was listening to "The Only Reason" on repeat when I wrote this so... yeah... make of that what you will... *heart breaks*  
> Enjoy! (I hope...)

**friolero**

_cold-blooded; someone who feels cold easily_

 

Michael Clifford has always got cold really easily.

He remembers how much it annoyed him when he was little and he wanted to go outside to play because his mum _always_ bundled him up in lots of layers first. Michael remembers how embarrassed he’d get because this other kid had once laughed and said: “You’re in _Australia_ , not the North Pole, _stupid_!” and Michael remembers how much that upset him, even though it sounds really ridiculous looking back on it now.

Michael remembers how much he hated being _different_ , remembers crying himself to sleep some nights when he was huddled up beneath his numerous duvets with the electric heater plugged in beside his bed. He remembers _hating_ everything.

Michael remembers how his outlook brightened considerably when he started primary school because that was where he met Calum Hood.

Michael remembers the first time he ever saw Calum.

Michael had caught a glimpse of the younger boy across the brightly coloured classroom and the huge smile that Calum had shot Michael had been like looking into the sun. Michael remembers how he had smiled back quickly, a little dazed but _desperate_ to make friends with someone, and he remembers Calum giggling at him until the teacher called for him to pay attention.

Michael remembers how Calum waited outside the classroom for him at break time that day and how he asked why Michael had worn his jacket all the way through class, and Michael remembers the way Calum just took it in his stride and nodded understandingly when the older boy hesitantly explained before gently pulling Michael to the cloakroom to see this cool guitar key ring he had dangling from his PE bag.

Michael remembers how, in a surprisingly short time, Calum became one of the two most important people in the older boy’s life.

Michael remembers how they played in the park together after school sometimes while their mums and Calum’s older sister Mali-Koa sat on the bench. Michael remembers how they swung on the swings and Calum ate ice cream – Michael wasn’t allowed more than a few licks because it always made him feel colder but Calum _always_ shared his cone afterwards – and Michael remembers how Calum splashed in the fountains during the summer while Michael watched on fondly, not even _jealous_ because he liked seeing his best friend so happy.

Michael remembers how Calum _always_ shared his pasta salad with Michael at lunchtimes and Michael always gave Calum one of his salted crackers and a handful of red grapes, and Michael remembers how this became a tradition.

(He _also_ remembers how this gradually lessened as they got older, although they both made a point of eating pasta salad, crackers and grapes on their last day of secondary school. Michael remembers how they got all silly and tearful, and how Calum inhaled a bit of cracker and choked, and Michael remembers laughing for _ages_ once his best friend had caught his breath again. (Michael remembers Calum’s broad smile afterwards and the _love_ that shone in his eyes, and of how much it scared the older boy, even as his own smile crept across his lips).)

Michael remembers the time when he got _really_ cold in the park one morning and Calum gave him his scarf and Michael remembers beaming at Calum, so big and wide that it made his whole _face_ ache.

*

Michael remembers when he started to feel like he did as a little kid again, remembers when he started to really _hate_ , not just life in general and being _different_ , but _himself_ too.

If he had to pinpoint a time, he’d _probably_ say that the start of secondary school was the beginning of the end, but Michael isn’t certain really. He thinks that maybe it could have started way before that though.

He remembers how he chose different subjects to Calum at school so they weren’t really in any of the same classes anymore and they only got fifteen minutes at lunch together before Calum had to run off for football practise, leaving Michael alone again.

Michael remembers how an icy hollowness starts to expand in his chest then, as barren and empty and _frozen_ as a tundra. Michael remembers likening it to a vacuum, a horrible, perpetually-ravenous beast that sucked in every good feeling, every scrap of warmth that being with Calum ever provoked, until Michael was left with nothing but the cold and the darkness. (Calum would later liken it jokingly to a dementor and give Michael bits of his chocolate bar and, sometimes, it would even _help_ ).

Michael remembers how Calum and Michael's mum slowly realised that something was _wrong_ with him, and Michael remembers how they were too late because he was already _frozen_ and nothing could thaw him now, not even the two people he cared about most in the world.

Michael remembers how the cold feeling got worse and worse.

He remembers how, one summer, his mum took him to the doctors about it because Michael _shouldn’t_ have been shivering wearing two jumpers but he still was. He remembers how the doctors sent him to the hospital and they did all sorts of tests and they _still_ didn’t think there was anything wrong with him.

Michael remembers how this one nurse told him that maybe he just ran a few degrees cooler than everyone else, and Michael remembers _really_ hating the proof that he _was_ different.

Michael thinks that maybe that was when he started free-falling.

He remembers the moment when everything changed.

He remembers finding a cigarette lighter lying abandoned on one of the walls at school behind the bike sheds where some of the older kids smoked. He remembers glancing around nervously – no one was there because everyone was watching Calum and the team playing football against their neighbouring school – and Michael remembers pressing the button down with his thumb as a flame sputtered to life.

Michael remembers staring at the lighter for a long, _long_ time – even after he had let the flame go out so that he didn’t waste any of the lighter fluid he could see sloshing around through the colourful green plastic – and Michael remembers feeling a peculiar _heat_ in the ice inside his chest.

He remembers thinking that maybe he’d found a way out after all. (Michael was so, _so_ wrong.)

Michael remembers how he walked home in his usual daze, still able to hear the roar of the crowd watching the football game if the wind was blowing in the right direction, and Michael remembers imagining Calum’s dark eyes scanning the crowd worriedly for his friend between passes before Michael realised that Calum could do _so_ much better than him anyway and that Calum could find a _new_ best friend who wasn’t so empty inside all the time.

Michael remembers letting himself into the empty house – Karen was still at work thankfully – and locking up behind him. He remembers dropping his bag on the floor in the hallway and putting his shoes on the rack and throwing the contents of his barely-eaten lunchbox into the food recycling bin outside the kitchen door.

He remembers crumbling the uneaten salted crackers between his fingers and watching the crumbs drift down like snow.

Michael remembers removing the lighter from his jacket pocket and walking upstairs on numb legs, and he remembers closing his door with a soft click and sitting cross-legged on the floor with his back pressed against the wood, and he remembers rolling his sleeve back with shaking hands and pressing the button on the lighter and Michael remembers what happened afterwards.

(He remembers the single tear that ran down his cold cheek and he remembers feeling a surge of vicious, bitter satisfaction directed inwards because this was no more than he deserved, and he remembers wishing that everything would just _stop_ because nothing mattered anymore.)

*

Michael remembers when Calum quit playing football because he’d rather “ _spend more time with Mikey_ ”. Michael remembers being shocked – utterly _stunned_ – when Calum told him that because what was he _doing_?! Michael had heard the PE teachers talking about how _brilliant_ Calum was, about how he could _easily_ get into a university on a scholarship and end up playing on a national level because he was just _that_ good.

Michael remembers Calum’s hopeful smile as he spoke but Michael had felt like the ground was being ripped out from beneath his feet because Calum had just thrown away his entire _future_ for… for _him_.

Michael remembers how Calum’s face fell a little when Michael told him this, but he _also_ remembers how Calum said in a firm, low voice: “ _You’re_ my future, Mikey.” Michael remembers crying a bit then because he didn’t know what else to say, and he remembers whispering: “What’s that supposed to mean?” in a tiny, sad voice.

Michael remembers how Calum answered, sounding even more breathless than _Michael_ had: “I think you might already know.”

*

Michael remembers the evenings where Calum would hug Michael to keep the cold at bay, remembers how Calum would walk with him to the beach and the way they would share Calum’s scarf and how the younger boy always put his chin on Michael’s shoulder _just_ so, and Michael remembers how he would lean back into the heat and turn his head a little so that he could press a soft kiss to Calum’s jaw, and he remembers really, _really_ loving Calum then.

Michael remembers how that scared him more than anything.

He remembers how, the moment Calum had dropped him off at home, he would shed his scarves and jacket and sit down in front of the heater, sometimes with his back pressed against the uncomfortably hot metal, and he would carefully retrieve one of the cheap lighters he had brought from the corner shop from the tiny gap beneath his wardrobe and Michael would burn himself, holding the flame beneath his arm for as long as he could before it became too much.

Michael remembers how, after that, he would start again.

He remembers getting reckless.

He remembers the look of dismay and _anguish_ on Calum’s face when his boyfriend – who was worth _so_ much more than Michael would ever be – had opened the door without knocking to retrieve his scarf and had  _seen_ Michael. He remembers how Calum shut the door behind him slowly, his eyes enormous and frightened, and Michael remembers how the flame faded and Michael slumped as all warmth left him.

Michael remembers how it felt like ice was creeping through him, freezing the blood in his veins and arteries, making it so that Michael couldn’t move at all, such was his fear (although fear for _what_ , Michael couldn’t say).

Michael remembers Calum’s broken: “ _Mikey?_ What were you doing?”

Michael remembers how he lost all control then, folding in on himself and wrapping his shaking arms around his bony knees as he buried his face in the crook of his elbow. Michael remembers how the lighter had fallen onto the floor and the way Calum kicked it away hard like it was going to _attack_ him or something.

Michael remembers how Calum sank down onto the floor beside him and opened his arms, and Michael remembers burrowing into them and _sobbing_ as though his heart was breaking, even though it was completely pathetic, and Michael remembers waiting for Calum to leave and the younger boy proving him wrong _again_ – just like he always did – because he just stayed right there with his arms wrapped tightly around Michael, keeping him from falling apart.

Michael remembers how that was the first time Calum told Michael he loved him, and Michael remembers the way the breath caught in his chest (in _both_ of their chests really because his ear was pressed against Calum’s torso and he could hear it) and Michael remembers _desperately_ wanting to say it back but not quite being able to find the words through the tightness in his throat and the ache in his chest.

He remembers the resigned look on Calum’s face even as he held Michael closer and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. He remembers the quiet: “ _It’s okay, Mikey. Only say it if you mean it_ ” and Michael remembers starting to cry again because he _did_ love Calum – still _does_ in fact! – but he didn’t know how to say it without falling apart again.

Michael remembers not saying anything at all.

*

Michael remembers how hard the months after that were.

He remembers how, that first night, Calum had stayed over, cuddling Michael all night as they tried to sleep although they both got little in the way of rest. Michael remembers how Calum cried in the middle of the night when he thought Michael was asleep, and Michael remembers rolling over and pressing a kiss to Calum’s lips and wanting to deepen it and touch him and… and tell him he _loved_ him… but not quite knowing _how_ yet.

Michael remembers how Calum helped Michael tell Karen about the burning the next morning.

Michael remembers how her eyes filled with tears even as she _nodded_ , like Calum had just filled in the last gap in a theory that hadn’t made sense up until that point. Michael remembers how she enveloped the pair of them in her arms and kissed Michael on the cheek and then on the nose like she had when he was a little boy – Michael remembers giving her a watery smile and the pair of them relaxing slightly – and he remembers how she promised that they were going to help Michael get better.

Michael remembers how things didn’t exactly work out that way.

*

Michael remembers how things got a lot _better_ from then on, but also a lot worse.

He remembers how he and Calum walked to school together every morning, swinging their hands between them as they walked. He remembers how he’d sit in the stands at lunchtime bundled up in his _and_ Calum’s jackets while the team played football, and he remembers how Calum would run over to talk to him and hug him and _kiss_ him at half-time because he could always tell when Michael needed it.

Michael remembers how Karen made a point of asking him about his _feelings_ every single day and, even though it was utterly humiliating and often more than a bit annoying, Michael remembers knowing that she was only doing it because she _cared_ (probably) and he remembers how he didn’t lie to her once – unless lying by _omission_ counted.

Michael remembers how they took his lighters away and disposed of them _somewhere_ , and Michael remembers how suddenly, overnight, every sharp object in the house vanished – which must have made cooking incredibly difficult, now that Michael thought about it later with a clear head – and Michael remembers how he resorted to pinching and scratching himself instead, to punching the wall and purposefully going out without gloves and a scarf so that he got so cold he _hurt_ sometimes.

Michael remembers that, despite this, he _tried_ to cope, at least half-heartedly.

He remembers how he tried to carry on for his mum, and for Calum, and Michael remembers how this messed up too, went _wrong_ , just like everything else he’d ever tried to do did.

*

Michael remembers when he knew without a doubt that he was broken.

He remembers being able to see it in his mind’s eye, a sheet of ice slowly fracturing as the cracks spread through it like a spiderweb, invisible at first but not for long, because then it would shatter into a million pieces and anyone left standing there would plummet through the surface, plunging _down down_ _down_ into icy waters that were too deep for _anyone_ to escape from on their own.

Michael remembers when that happened to him.

He remembers how it all became too much one day and he ran away, shedding his _stupid_ coat and scarf and hat and gloves on the ground outside as he ran for the park, his arms folded tightly across his chest as he began to shiver.

Michael remembers how the rain was hammering down and how there was no one else about because it really _was_ cold for once, and Michael remembers how his teeth were chattering by the time he reached the park and he remembers realising how fucking _stupid_ he’d been as he huddled up on the ground with his back resting against a eucalyptus tree, swamped in a massive hoody that was doing absolutely _nothing_ to ward off the chill that no one else was around to feel.

Michael remembers how his nose felt cold and his lips looked a bit blue in the reflection on his phone screen, and Michael remembers ignoring its chimes as his mum and Calum took turns to ring him over and over again.

Michael remembers when the phone calls suddenly _stopped_ and how a tear slipped down his cheek because, _yes_ , it was as he’d always suspected – of _course_ he was expendable. He’d always been frightened of that and he remembered thinking that here was the proof. They’d both got bored of ringing him. They didn’t even _want_ him to come home.

Michael remembers the sob of relief that bubbled up out of his chest when his mum and Calum showed up in the entrance to the park, looking around blindly until Calum gave a shout and started running with Karen hurrying along behind, her arms full of coats and scarves and blankets.

Michael remembers how everything started to get a bit blurry after that.

He remembers vaguely how Calum tugged a blanket free and wrapped Michael up in it, and he remembers the way Calum unzipped his jacket and pulled Michael close to his chest so that he could keep them _both_ warm, and Michael remembers clutching at Calum’s thin t-shirt tightly with his icy hands as his mum called an _ambulance_ (Michael remembers the humiliation he felt) but Calum dropped a kiss onto his forehead then and Michael remembers no longer caring.

He remembers how his vision started to dim as even his _shivering_ stopped, and he remembers Calum’s terrified crying which he was desperately trying to muffle when he saw that Michael wanted to say something.

Michael remembers how his lips brushed the shell of Calum’s ear as he whispered: “ _I love you too_.”

Michael remembers Calum’s broken, _wrecked_ sob as everything faded to black.

*

Michael remembers what happened afterwards.

He remembers waking up in hospital to the beeping of a machine while his mum and Calum _cried_ over him. He remembers hearing that his mum had to give him CPR while they waited for the ambulance. He remembers hearing that they had to _warm his blood up_ , and Michael remembers the flash of nausea he felt at hearing that, because it reminded him too much of the godforsaken lighter that had been the root of his problem all along.

Michael remembers how Calum went quieter and quieter as Karen and the doctor talked, and Michael remembers when the doctor left to fill in some paperwork and Karen kissed Michael’s forehead, fought not to cry and excused herself delicately so that she could break down in the corridor outside instead.

Michael remembers the pain he felt at hearing his mum cry and, even as he hated himself for upsetting her, _more_ strong was the feeling that he needed to stop this, to get _better_ , so that he could stop hurting her and Calum.

(And sure, Michael knows he should be doing this for himself but he figures doing it at _all_ – even if it’s just for his mum and boyfriend – is better than wasting away completely. He remembers how he tells them this a few days later and, even though they both looked tearful, they agreed.)

Michael remembers how he and Calum were left along in the hospital room, and he remembers how Calum’s warm hand hesitantly covered his own and Michael remembers how, quite suddenly, the urge to cry dissipated because he was with _Calum_ now and that meant he was safe.

He remembers saying this and watching the half-relieved, half- _broken_ smile twisting Calum’s lips, and Michael remembers how Calum leant forwards to press a hesitant kiss to Michael’s cheek, and Michael remembers twisting his head at the last second so that he could kiss Calum on the lips instead. (He remembers the startled little giggle that escaped Calum then and Michael remembers how the ice inside his chest began to thaw a little.)

“Things are going to be okay now, Mikey. I promise,” Michael remembers Calum whispering and, somehow, Michael remembers believing him.

*

Michael remembers how he smiled a lot more now.

He remembers how Calum stayed over at the Clifford’s way more than he stayed at his own, and Michael remembers feeling bad about that until Calum shrugged and told him that he was happier with Michael anyway, and that they would just have to go over to his for sleepovers and dinner at the weekends sometimes.

Michael remembers how Calum was a bit like his own personal space heater, except a _whole_ lot softer and more cuddly, and Michael remembers how he smelt good too which was definitely a bonus.

Michael remembers how they told each other they loved each other all the time and _meant_ it, and Michael remembers how, naturally, their relationship progressed because of that.

He remembers feeling bad the first time they made love because the space heater and the extra duvets they were huddled up beneath were making Calum sweat, and Michael remembers being embarrassed because he “had to wear _two_ pairs of socks during sex” but Michael remembers Calum’s giggled: “It’s _cute_ , Mikey”, and that was that.

He remembers how Calum burrowed down beneath the duvet and mouthed at Michael through his pants, and Michael remembers not even being _embarrassed_ of the whine that escaped him because Calum made him feel _so_ fucking good, just like he always did.

Michael remembers how Calum made him see stars, and he remembers the excited smile that spread across his face when he got to do the same thing to Calum afterwards, and he remembers how they cuddled down together in the warm that evening, sleepy and pliable as All Time Low played on Calum’s iPod.

Michael remembers how they grinned stupidly at each other as they lay facing each other on the pillow, and he remembers how they fell into a kiss that was natural and soft and _warmer_ than anything Michael had ever felt, and he remembers how the last of the ice in his chest melted away and Michael felt warm enough to kick one of the duvets off for once.

Michael remembers the relief and the happiness and the _love_ shining in Calum’s eyes, almost like he could _see_ the ice in Michael receding, _fading_ , and Michael remembers how he pressed one last kiss to Calum’s full lips, holding on to how sweet it was, like melted sugar or warm caramel, soft and gentle, with the tiniest hint of being able to _burn_.

“I love you,” Michael remembers whispering, and the smile that lit up Calum’s face was one that Michael would _never_ get tired of.

“I know,” he remembers Calum whispering. “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I had so many feels writing this, you have no idea... (Actually... maybe you do...)  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this!  
> Please let me know what you thought with comments and kudos, and thank you so much for reading! :)  
> I love you guys and I'm really sorry I keep making you cry!


End file.
